“It is by going down into the abyss that we recover the treasures of life.”
“The very cave you are afraid to enter turns out to be the source of what you are looking for. The damned thing in the cave that was so dreaded has become the center.”
Joseph Campbell, “A Joseph Campbell Companion,” p. 24
I’m sure I got the flow seed planted after reading Richard Bach’s “Illusions.” It was a Dot for sure (he dropped several of them in that book). I can’t be sure if it was dropped just before, after, or coincided with the event of My Catalyst. Reading the book was easy, especially when he hooked me with the very first words, “There was a Master come unto the earth, born in the holy land of Indiana…” (my home state—how could I not read on!)
There is the part in the intro where he talks about the creatures in the river who “cling” as a way of life. Then one creature decides he’s going to let go and see where the crystal river takes him, because, clinging he shall surely die of boredom. He trusts that the river knows where it is going, and so (with much fear and admonishment from his peer clingers) he let go to go with the flow of the river. A Dot dropped and I was in the ‘let it flow, let it flow, let it flow” mode.
Or, maybe my entire life was a part of ‘let it flow,” and I just had to recognize and name it.
In the age of career specialization I was a generalist. Dig deep into just one career path? No. I would try one career path, be there long enough to see behind the curtain and opt out. I was a systems analyst for Blue Cross-Blue Shield because someone recognized I was a problem solver, organized, efficient, and could manage people. An industrial psychologist who tested all BC-BS management said, “You ranked in the 94th Percentile of Upper Level Male Managers, BUT, you have no goals to be president of BC-BS”—as if that were a bad thing. He was right—I certainly did not have goals of becoming president of BC-BS. I opted out.
I moved to the country music industry because my husband wanted to be a songwriter. We moved to Nashville so why shouldn’t I be in the music industry also? Three years with a major record label run with a mafia-management style of rewards and punishments, and I opted out again. Seeing behind the curtain is always eye-opening—and a test to see just how much you’re willing to pay for the pretense.
I left it to fate (aka the flow) to take me to my next career, and my organizational skills took me to becoming Associate Producer (the logistics person) for a new television show. Out of the music business, and into television. One season of organizing and logistics, and I decided I could write the show, too. I did two sample scripts, and the producer who had hired me for my organizational abilities, agreed. Soon I was a writer—television, print, marketing, publishing—writing for anybody who would hire me to hone my skills. Just going with the flow, where the flow would take me.
Jump. It’s Not as Wide as You Think. (Or) There Are No Pumas
Let’s just say “waking up” sets you up with lots of questions…lots…of…questions! Try and describe that to friends and about all you’ll hear is, “Awake? Of course you’re awake. You’re talking. There’s no question there.” Hard to explain unless you’ve been there.
Questioning—especially the “Why” question—and “seeking answers” is trying, anguishing work, and most times tinged with a bit o’ fear (hence why it’s “the road less travelled”). Looking inward for answers to questions can be especially fearful because somehow we innately ‘believe’ we’re hiding some sort of monster inside. (I have yet to determine where we got this—unless it’s the deeply ingrained ‘original sin’ that’s been taught us by a loving church.) We fear if we dare peek inside, we’ll let loose the monster on the world. Some sort of beast is hidden inside! We’ll be out of control!
Yes, I know this from personal experience. I have feared the monster and asked that exact question.
When working with a wonderful counsellor whose name, Mrs. True, said it all, I had begun to feel good about myself—getting self-esteem can do that for you. I remember specifically asking her (because I felt good), “Aren’t you afraid you’ll create a monster (meaning me)?” She just laughed and reassured me, “No, I just want you to throw back that curly hair of yours and laugh.”
Please believe me, I have looked: There are no monsters inside. It’s ok to look.
I believe that is why so many people are afraid to ask questions of themselves, to look inside. They fear they will face pumas in the crevasse. (That’s an old Smothers Brothers routine—Tommy Smothers was afraid of the pumas in the crevasse, and his brother had to convince him, “There are no pumas in the crevasse, Tommy”—for those who are wondering where that came from…or for those who may remember!) I chose to believe Dickie Smothers! (That was a Dot dropped waaaay back!)
Asking questions of Life and looking inward for answers, yes, that requires facing the (phantom) pumas in the abyss (or crevasse). Joseph Campbell came through again, reassuring me with this myth:
“A bit of advice
Given to a young Native American
At the time of his initiation:
As you go the way of life,
You will see a great chasm.
Jump.
It is not as wide as you think.”
― Joseph Campbell
Dick Smothers would add…’and there are NO PUMAS in the crevasse!’ Those are the pumas we fear are lurking inside us if we ever look. (Who knew Dickie Smothers was a mythologist!)
Reassured by both Dickie Smothers and Joseph Campbell, jump I did. More asking. More seeking. More questioning. More reading. More learning. More dreams. More Dots. A whole lot of “Why me’s?” because answers were slow in coming. (Patience, remember?) Some bon-a-fide gnashing of teeth involved. A good friend who’d listened to me gnash teeth, wail, found a poem and gave it to me as salve. It came first as “Anon” but, as the poem itself told me, I would ‘live along some distant day into the answer.’ I would find its true source.
I magnetized it to my refrigerator.
Have you heard the term, Synchronicity? We’ll get more detail on it later. It’s a term that pops up again and again when you enter the forest on your own path. Synchronicity may feel more like a breadcrumb you find on your way, assuring you that you’re on the right path home. A few years, yes, years, after receiving this Anon poem, another friend gave me a book as a birthday gift, “Letters to a Young Poet” by Rainer Maria Rilke. In that book was the very verse that was on my fridge:
“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart
and try to love the questions themselves,
like locked rooms and like books
that are now written in a very foreign tongue.
Do not now seek the answers,
which cannot be given you
because you would not be able to live them.
And the point is, to live everything.
Live the questions now.
Perhaps you will then gradually,
without noticing it,
live along some distant day into the answer.”
― Rainer Maria Rilke
Salve for an anguished heart for sure. It was like getting a primer for learning a new language and here was my first translation. Love the questions themselves. Locked rooms. Books in a foreign tongue. Live everything. Reaffirmation that I was not alone in the experience I was having. Others had gone before me and were dropping their own Dots and breadcrumbs for me to follow and be encouraged by. And somehow, they would make sure I found the ones I needed. How could I not trod on?
The original Anon paper stayed magnetized to my refrigerator for years til it had stains and curled edges. It reinforced for me that, indeed, I would ‘live along some distant day into the answer” (and answers) that I sought.
Synchronicity… A Dot dropped one year connected to a Dot a few years later. Check-Check.
How I Found Synchronicity Synchronistically.